Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
