Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
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She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
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You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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