I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
