I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
someone owes me an orgasm
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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