Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
