I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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