I need to stop coming to work sober
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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