I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
