Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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