the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
