My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she told me i tasted like america
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
