You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
