I accidentally had phone sex last night
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
