Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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