literally had 100 drinks last night.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
