I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
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cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
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SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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