Got a toothbrush?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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