you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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