my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
