My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
