I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
