I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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