Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
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He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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