apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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