I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He? As in you personified your dick?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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