Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
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A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
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Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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