i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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