I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
