The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
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