even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
