do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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