Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
