Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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