i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
