Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
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I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
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I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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