i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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