Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
