i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
