Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
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