I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
