There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
