god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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