Jerry, you need to find god
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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