I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"