i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
