My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
