Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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