there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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