I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
