She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
