Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
