Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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