i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
