Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
