you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize