you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
