I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize