I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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