How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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